playing with fire

have you ever had someone in your life, whether male or female, that you could never explain how you felt. i don’t mean for any reason that you may think they may mistake what you mean or even that, perhaps, they would understand exactly what you mean and feel the same. i don’t even mean for fear that telling them would take you on a path you were scared to death of, either good or bad. that sort of thing is not what i’m talking about. i’m talking about that person who makes you so happy your heart just wants to burst, the person you never want to leave (even if you don’t want to romantically attached to them, or if you do) the person that you feel so connected with words needn’t be spoken for understand. this may even be the person who can tell you anything and you won’t love them any less or think badly of them. this may be the person who if they were about to take a bullet, you wouldn’t get shot for them, you would kill the guy shooting them. you stick up for them no matter. i’m talking about the person who you cannot tell them how you feel because no matter the words, no matter the cliche every attempt fails because sometimes words cannot describe what the heart feels nor attempt at capturing the heart. so if anyone may be so lucky to have their heart captured in such, regardless of romantic attachment, never let them go. keep them close to your heart. don’t let them get out of reach. love them however you know how and jumble your words in any way you can even if they are poor words to let them know your heart loves them wholly and completely. and every thing thing else doesn’t get your message across, smile at them and they will understand, because their is a good chance they feel the same way.

justherguy:

Now, I’m a computing major… so it takes a lot of technological innovation to wow me… - but this blew my mind. Drag it to the right or left (over the blue sides)… and do it more than once.

(via 1livelovelaugh1)

A beauty that could not be measured
that could be seen by all afar
but that is not what mattered to her
for her own image she saw was a mar

a voice inside screaming so loud
“you’re not good enough,” it yelled
“you’re nothing more than adequate” 
this voice had her completely felled

She was held captive by fear
continuously buying the lie
that so many before her believed 
that this was what she began to live by

no on could get through to her
she simply would not believe
those who told her how spectacular she was
their compliments she would not receive

but a small voice began to call out
a voice she tried so hard to let fade away
a voice that was increasingly persistant
but she began to understand this voice she could not betray

she slowly quieted these other voices
beyond the lies is where she had to search
so she took slow steps to overcome her fear
longing to hear the words that could ease her hurts

as the voices faded she began to hear
“you are beautiful” is what it said
“you are beautiful” it continued
this is no different than what she’d always been fed

“you are beautiful” it grew louder
“And what makes you so different than everyone else” she 
-inquired
why should I even listen to you”
even louder than before “because mine is the only voice required”

“why are you so different” she yelled
“because your beauty comes from within”
you were created in my image” her heavenly father said
Your value and with come from much more than your skin”

good words. for anyone who is single or in a relationship take a few moments to watch.

I am still needing help with some inspiration for creativity I need to write or design something. I had a brief moment earlier and it was amazing! 

“They told me you would never come back for me

That you would leave me here to die

I told them I knew you better

But I guess everything I knew was a lie”

That was all I was able to muster for the time being. Please give me ideas. pretty please. anything. A topic to write on, something creative to design, a topic not to write. Whatever

This trip to Ukraine has been difficult, mostly due to school. I want to be creative but being here I have limited tools to make the things I normally make and with school I don’t fill my time with designing furniture/houses or with writing my book or any poetry. I feel starved for something creative to do. If you have any ideas let me know I’d love to hear them. Or if you want me to write or design something for you I will happily do so. I need something to get the creativity going.

in my mind recently i have been toying with this concept of wanting to be someone else that we are not or wanting an attribute that we do not posses, whether it be white teeth, that certain hair, or the freckle that is perfectly placed on my face. i am not condemning this because even in my life i fall victim to this insatisfaction. however, many things that we envy of other people are often things that we can change ourselves. 

before i did parkour i always wanted to do parkour and was envious of those who could, yet i did nothing about my envy. this is the part i don’t understand. if their is something i want that badly, why do i do nothing about it. why do i sit on my computer and flood my facebook status or my tumblr along with other social media sights with what i am not or what i don’t have? why is it so hard to go out a chase those things or to make the changes i need in my life. The pictures we see of people is only a picture. anyone can take a picture to make someone else envious of their life, but they would not wish their life, the person we want to be, on anyone else because it is filled with as much as ours is. 

there is a sense in which we should not be okay with where we are, because there is something in ourselves that needs changing. if that were not true, we would be perfect. however, wanting to be someone else is on the other end of the spectrum. i have no issue with adapting a persons style because you like the style or doing your hair the way they do because you like it. but if you like it, do it! don’t just tell us that you love the hair style and envy the person they have it and you don’t. go get your hair cut and have it. or wait until it’s long enough and have it! 

no satisfaction is to be had in desiring something if we are not willing to chase it!

i have never enjoyed the thought of searching for the one. what happens if i pick the wrong one? personally, if there is only one person in the world for you then that is the person you will end up with. that is not the issue of this post however, so i digress. 

i find an inherent problem with the idea of searching for “the one.” searching for that person means dating potential people who we believe, at that specific time, may be “the one.” when we realize that perhaps they are not who we thought they were or that they simply are not the one, or the one you want to be with, that situation creates negativity. An inevitable break-up approaches, emotional turmoil from both sides occurs, and general dissatisfaction with life begins; for a time. when the break-up does happen there is a process (or should be) in which both parties take time to themselves to heal then, they  begin the search again, looking for “the one.”

this is my issue. this in no way breeds commitment. this breeds divorce. a person may say that when they find the one they will know and then everything, though it may not be easy, will work out because they found who they want to be with. However, more or less, that’s what they have done before. They started dating someone because that person could potentially be the one they want to be with. This attitude breeds chaos. i understand that marriage is no certain thing. people change, feelings change, everything may change. but when you find a person who you want to be with, if you have been so searching for “the one” in other people, then when that change occurs or something happens the natural instinct at that point is to give up and say they weren’t you thought they were or that they aren’t right for you. The truth is, they probably aren’t who you thought they were when you first starting dating because people change. the issue is getting to know who they are always, not just at one point.

in dating situations i sincerely understand that some break-ups need to happen, but i have seen far too often people just leaving because a person changed or things became slightly difficult. we must learn what it means to have commitment. in my life, i find this in Christ. we cannot achieve a commitment like his, it is unthinkable. as unthinkable as his commitment may be, we can strive for a commitment like that. 

what this means though is that we cannot just search for “the one” by going out and dating until we find them. if that is the case and we become committed to everyone, the hurt will only be greater. we must guard our hearts until we are ready for that stage of life. That stage being marriage. i cannot say when that point is or isn’t, but if we are just dating people to fulfill a hole or in search of “the one” at 16 or 14 then dating should not be a thought.

getting to know who we are in God is the only way. if we do not know this, then we cannot know who we are supposed to be in a relationship.

anyway, there’s my rambling on that particular topic. 

i was inquiring of a friend about photography, and expressing my jealousy that i could not create what they could inside of the photographs they took. i could not see the world the way they did. their response threw me completely off. the said, “yes, but the way you write is almost poetic.” this was not to say that i am excelled writer or that i know the best ways to order words in a sentence or even that i manipulate the words to elicit a certain response in a way that i saw they could do with their photographs. it was, in my, not played that way at all. after giving it some thought i realized what they were saying and realized why their photography was so astounding to me. it wasn’t that they were excelled (though they are very good) it wasn’t that they manipulated the real world to distort and glorify our imagining of it. no. it was that they had a passion for what they were doing. there was a natural talent for them, but they excel because of their burning passion. this isn’t a passion that slowly burns up whatever it has caught on fire. it’s a slow burning, intense passion that consumes. 

though i am not a beautiful writer, writing is something that i used to have a consuming passion for. i picked my words carefully and used them well. i knew what i wanted to write and i wrote it. it often took me hours to write how i wanted to, but i wrote. i chose my words carefully, for everything is in the words we use. one slip up and it’s good bye. words were my passion. given only certain hours to say the right thing or make a new friend words are important. somewhere in the mix i lost the passion for words that consumed me. i cannot say if the fire became to hot or if i forgot other important aspects of life or if i was hurt deeply and shut down. i lost my care for words. they became nothing. why did it matter what i said or how i approached others with my words.

before continuing on i must note: i am still in love with words. that never changed. what can be done with words is one of the most thrilling and breath taking thoughts in my mind. have you ever watched a movie and everything line was beautiful, thought out, and fit so perfectly. that is the power of words. they can bring an audience to tears, laughter, and any number of emotions with ease. i have always loved this about words, but i lost the passion, not the love. my passion was for use of words, not merely seeing what they could do, but using them as best as possible. not using the most Brobdingnagian (big, enormous) words i know because they often leave an audience with confusion as to my meaning. even the smallest words used correctly will make the bigger difference.   

as aforementioned, i do not know where or how that passion was lost. i know that i want it back. it may take some time and focus on my choice in words, but i believe that the fire has not gone out. the love is still there. as long as there exists love the potential for passion exists. it does not automatically mean that the passion is there. this is a passion that takes time to cultivate. a passion that does not just burn out. my loss was not burned out but squelched. by what i do not know, but i know that it is something i cannot allow. we cannot allow our passions to be squelched, no matter what they are. If we lose our passion we lose ourselves.